When a relationship ends, it’s not like putting a book back on the shelf and forgetting about it. In fact, breakups can be incredibly messy, and you might find that you’re missing your ex years after you last spoke.
Before you spiral, wondering if you made a mistake, there are some simple psychological reasons why you’re asking, “Why do I miss my ex more as time goes on?”.
If you’re dealing with heartbreak and withdrawal or a lack of closure, we’ve got handy tips to help you navigate breakup grief and move on to your next relationship in a healthy way.
#1 You’re Still Attached to Your Ex
Whether you had a good relationship with your ex or not, you once shared some kind of strong attachment to them. It’s this attachment that sits at the heart of why we miss our exes, so first things first, you need to understand what it is.
Understanding Emotional Attachment
In psychology, emotional attachment is often explained through the theory of attachment by John Bowlby.
This theory proposes that individuals possess an inherent inclination to establish strong emotional connections with others. These connections, also known as ‘attachments’, hold significant influence in interpersonal relationships.
Within the context of a romantic relationship, an emotional attachment can lead to a yearning for an ex-partner even after the relationship has ended. It’s not necessarily the individual that is missed, but rather the bond that was shared.
After all, you spent a good chunk of your time with this person, and suddenly losing that presence can be startling.
The Impact of Attachment on Post-Breakup Emotions
Our attachment styles significantly impact how we react to breakups. In psychology, there are three main styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant.
| Attachment Style | Characteristics in Relationships | Response to Breakups |
| Secure Attachment | Healthy relationships, good coping skills, a strong sense of self-worth. | Understand and accept the end of a relationship without losing self-worth. |
| Anxious Attachment | Fear of abandonment, often seeking reassurance and validation. | Experience intense distress post-breakup, struggle to move on, and constantly seek reassurance. |
| Avoidant Attachment | Uncomfortable with closeness, less dependent on others. | May appear unaffected by a breakup but tend to suppress feelings, leading to emotional distance in future relationships. |
To truly understand what attachment style you have requires input from a professional. They can also help you understand more about how you relate to your partners, which can help improve future relationships.
#2 Nostalgia is Slapping You in the Face
Once a relationship is over and the other person involved is gone from our lives, all we’re left with is nostalgia and our memories.
Feeling like you miss all the great times is common after a relationship breakup, especially if you haven’t found a new relationship and feel lonely.
The Role of Nostalgia in Remembering Past Relationships
Nostalgia plays a pivotal role in how we recall past relationships, often resulting in a romanticised recollection of events. It’s a human tendency to reminisce about the ‘good old days’, and this is particularly true when we reminisce about past relationships.
Our minds are adept at cherry-picking moments, amplifying the positives, and downplaying the negatives. This selective memory can make us long for the times we associate with happiness, abundance, or love, even if those times were also fraught with challenges.
In the context of past relationships, this can mean that the partner’s negative traits or the issues that led to the breakup get swept under the rug while the happy moments are magnified. This skewed recollection can make the past relationship seem better than it was and generate a longing for what was once shared.
Selective Memory & Its Effects Over Time
Over time, our memories of past relationships can become increasingly distorted due to a psychological phenomenon known as ‘rosy retrospection’. This is the tendency to remember past events, particularly emotionally charged ones, more positively than they actually were.
After a breakup, it’s common for individuals to dwell on the highlights of the relationship, recalling the moments of joy, intimacy, and shared experiences that made them happy.
This is in part due to the brain’s natural propensity to shield us from pain, which often involves downplaying the negative aspects of the relationship and emphasising the positive ones. This tendency can create an idealised image of the ex-partner and the relationship that can make moving on more challenging.
#3 You’re Convinced You Want Them Back
There are common reasons why you might yearn for an ex, even if the relationship was fraught with issues. This could stem from loneliness, habituation, or fear of change. Recognising these reasons can help you avoid making the mistake of trying to rekindle that part of your life.
The Fear of Being Alone
One potent reason individuals might yearn for a past relationship is the fear of being alone. Often, this fear stems not from the absence of the specific individual but from the prospect of solitude and loneliness.
After the dissolution of a relationship, the sudden change from having a constant companion to being alone can be daunting. This sense of isolation can trigger feelings of vulnerability, leading one to idealise the past relationship and miss the comfort of having someone familiar around.
It’s important to recognise that these feelings are a normal part of the healing process and that being alone can provide an invaluable opportunity for self-reflection and growth.
Unfinished Business & Closure
Closure, often regarded as the final act of a relationship, signifies the end of a chapter and the commencement of healing. It allows individuals to understand and reconcile with what transpired, providing a sense of resolution.
Achieving closure is a crucial process in moving on, as it aids in processing emotions, learning from past relationships, and preparing for future ones.
| Closure is a personal journey unique to each individual. It may not always involve a final conversation or confrontation with the ex-partner but could be accomplished through self-reflection and acceptance. |
The Role of Habit & Routine
Habit and routine play a significant role in the longing for a past relationship. In the course of a relationship, couples develop shared routines and habits, becoming comfortable with each other’s presence and idiosyncrasies.
This familiarity can create a sense of security and belonging. When the relationship ends, the absence of these routines can bring about a sense of loss and resettlement, often misconstrued as missing the ex-partner.
| It’s the familiarity and comfort brought by the routine, rather than the individual, that is missed. Remember this when you’re tempted to send them a text or DM late at night. |
The Best Ways to Get Over an Ex & Stop Missing Them
Although missing your ex can be a natural part of the dating experience, it’s important not to dwell on these feelings too long without trying to move on from the past relationship.
Don’t Ever Ignore Your Feelings
It can be tempting to sweep these slightly uncomfortable feelings under the rug and try to just get on with life. But ignoring your feelings never helps you deal with them and move on in a healthy way.
As uncomfortable as it can be, it’s important to make sure you sit with your feelings, understand them, and reconcile them where possible.
Fill Your Free Time
When we miss our ex, it often gets worse when you’ve got nothing else to do. This is why it often feels worse at night when you’re trying to go to sleep.
The best way to distract yourself from thoughts of your ex and getting back together is to fill your free time. While you don’t have to fill every waking moment, it’s important to have something else to focus on.
Work On Yourself
The saying goes, ‘the best form of revenge is success’. When you find yourself preoccupied with thoughts of your ex, it’s the best time to get up and work on yourself.
This could be by getting back into the gym, eating better, or getting your head down at work to finally snag that promotion you’ve been wanting. However you do it, make sure you’re committed to improving yourself for you as much as for your ex.
Delete, Block, Unfollow
Nothing helps stop thoughts of getting back with your ex better than facilitating a clean break. It’s much easier to miss your ex when you can see them posting cute pictures with their family or pets and generally showing their best side.
Deleting, blocking, or unfollowing them on social media is the best way to keep your ex far from your mind and keep your social feed free from reminders.
Talk to People You Trust
Missing your ex isn’t some strange phenomenon. Chances are, most of your close friends have experienced the same thing at some point.
Don’t be afraid to open up to the people in your circle that you trust. Getting it off your chest can make it seem much less significant.
Go on a Weekend Break
Weekend breaks are just for couples looking for a romantic getaway. Take yourself on a weekend break by yourself or with your friends to get a change of scenery, distract yourself, and make some fun new memories.
Dip Your Toe in the Dating Pool
OF course, the best way to get over an ex and stop missing them is to get back into the dating scene. Signing up for a dating app can be a great way to pass your evenings and potentially meet someone new who sweeps you off your feet.
If you’re serious about finding a new relationship, signing up for our new dating app can get you well on your way to finding the one at last.
Summary: Why You’re Missing an Ex & What to Do About It
Self-reflection post-breakup might be a challenging task, yet it’s an essential part of personal growth. It allows you to understand what went wrong, what could have been done differently, and the kind of partner you aspire to be.
By reflecting on the past relationship, you can uncover patterns and behaviours that might need to change and gain invaluable insights to apply in future relationships. Remember, each relationship, no matter how it ended, provides a unique opportunity to learn and grow.
Embrace this process, as it paves the way towards healthier relationships. If you’re ready to move on to a new romance, sign up for the Finding The One to find lasting love.
FAQs
Why Am I Suddenly Missing My Ex a Lot?
Sudden feelings of missing an ex can be triggered by various factors such as loneliness, nostalgia, or encountering something that reminds you of them or shared experiences. It’s also common during periods of stress or change. These feelings are normal and part of the healing process, and they don’t necessarily mean you should rekindle the relationship.
How Long Does It Take to Stop Missing Ex?
The timeline to stop missing an ex varies significantly for each individual and is influenced by factors such as the length of the relationship, intensity of feelings, and individual coping mechanisms.
What Should You Do When You Miss Your Ex?
Engage in self-care activities, maintain social connections, and embrace the feelings of grief as part of the healing process. Use this time for self-reflection, identifying what you truly miss and learning from the past relationship. If these feelings persist and interfere with your daily life, consider seeking professional help.
Remember, it’s okay to miss someone, but it’s crucial to focus on your own growth and well-being.
Is It Normal to Miss An Ex After Years?
Yes, it is normal to miss an ex even after years. This could be due to a variety of reasons, such as unresolved feelings, strong memories, or significant life changes. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean you should revive the past relationship. It’s essential to remember the reasons why it ended and focus on personal growth and future relationships.